Singapore Slingin' - Part 1

To set the tone, I give you the definition of Singapore:
A country where bubblegum is banned, oral sex is banned, owning guns is banned, and sodomy is allowed.
Don't go to singapore, I should know, I live there

Well, somehow I actually managed to leave my bedroom and go overseas. Dont ask me how. I went into work one morning and they sent me here. No thinking time, no immunisation shots. Just slapped a FedEx sticker on my head and off I went.

At this point I just want to say a big 'fuck off and die, Qantas' for no particular reason. Okay maybe a few: I didnt get served by a single hot air hostess, the food blows, and they provide no leg room for gifted.

I'm going to address the 'clean' factor of Singapore. If you only spend a day or two here then clean is all you'll see. But this is Asia - and if you look hard enough there is plenty of dirt. One such cum-stain of humanity is a bar district in Tangohng Pagar. Walking the back alleys in this area I was hit with some of the most pungent smells I can recall. I'm not sure if the sewage just runs onto the street or rotting bodies of toursists were being served as Human Char Siew but either way I didnt rate it.

Another assault on the senses can be found in parts of Little India. One moment you'll be swimming in incredible scents drifting from exotic authentic restaurants - the next you'll be reaching for a gas mask as exhumed mists possess you. On weekends this place is crazy, with Singapore's large Indian population heading there for markets and good times. One place for sightseeing is the Gandhi Restaurant - a back-alley food counter I stumbled on. I actually enquired within as to where the G-man was, expecting him to be manning one of mango-lassi tanks and bragging about he got the top bunk while in jail, but alas - he was not in. Call me cynical, but I doubt this place has any evidence whatsoever to support its claim to fame. After careful consideration I suppose tourists could afford to cut this site from their tours if time was short...

Another onclave of culture can be found in Chinatown. While Melbourne's version consists of one street with a food court or two, Singapore's China Town is the real deal. Market stalls, street performers, food and cafes, this is a great place to blow cash on shit you dont need (silk shirts, stone bracelets, incense burners etc - all of which I now the proud owner of). Now, if I thought this place was busy before, when Chinese New Year excitement reaches its height, this place is a veritable ejaculation of weird-tasting candy, dried meat on hooks, oily rashes of carcass and all kinds of cheap paraphenalia guaranteed to bring fortune, abundance and the onset of remorse that only comes with impulse buying in 2006.

More to come - along with photographic proof Gandhi is a liar.