Year of the Blog

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! After a bitter and twisted last post, I'm ringing in the new Lunar Year with all the merriment of an Irishman on Ketamine.

They say this is the 'Year of the Dog', but what does that mean, I hear the ignorant slack-jawed yokel up the back holler (bugger off you redneck). Well apparently, dogs will have a good year. Flea season will be shorter, intestinal worms will burn fewer colons, and if they're lucky, their owners might actually let them out to spread urine around the neighbourhood. Good times.


Being the clairvoyant that I am, I have prepared the following CNY horoscopes for you all. I hope you appreciate it. I've read that many tea leaves in the past few days no doubt I'm headed for a camomile-induced urinary tract infection. I also sought divination at a local Singaporean mall, where the ancient statue of a Flower Dog resides. This priceless artifact from a time-gone-by oozes ambience and mystique - I was humbled in its presence. The sheer fact anyone can come and bask in awe at this rare monument is a true symbol of the greatness of this country.


Rats - The present astral configuration is by itself neither positive nor negative for your love affairs. It simply implies that your infertility and barren extremities will induce feelings of despair.

Oxes - You'll express your feelings with force, and your mate will have the wonderful impression of living on a cloud! Unfortunately, they'll also think they can fly - and will most likely step off the side of a large building.

Tigers - This astral environment is extremely favorable to love at first sight. Expect a job offer from the local school for the blind.

Rabbits - With the star Moc Duc in your sign, your love affairs will be delicious - to the friendly cannibals you visit on your honeymoon.

Dragons - For single people, a change may prove very favorable, based on a stable and serious union between yourself and a mountain goat.

Snakes - It might be in your interest to keep a watchful eye on your mate without, however, showing inopportune jealousy. So just sit back and enjoy the show as they fuck the father of two that lives next door.

Horses - Under the influence of the star Luu Nien, you'll have the desire to amuse yourself and diversify your pleasures. Head to Club X and pick up some bondage gear and a 3-in-1 vibrator for those lonely nights.

Goats - There'll be an upheaval in your love life on account of the uncomfortable position of the star Cu Mon in House XI. Almost as uncomfortable as that time your gym teacher accidently fucked you in the ass.

Roosters - You should be able to find solutions that would allow you to live better with your mate. Try changing the newspaper in the kennel you two share more often.

Dogs - If your heart is free, the stars aren't going to prevent you from using your charm and getting charmed - at a local special school. Remember, drool is just another physical manifestation of love. Lick it up.

Pigs - Don't involve your family with all your love affairs so as not to create useless complications. Your Uncle likes to whack off to your childhood photos - build a bridge and get over it already.

Dont agree with your horoscope? Think these things are so broad and open-ended that they all apply to you? Leave a comment and share the divine light I live in.