Singapore Slingin' - Part 3

I have stayed away from most of the tourist activities while in Singapore, but I just had to go to Raffles Hotel for a Singapore Sling. The bar oozes Colonial history and was founded by some old cunt. Complete with peanut-shell covered floors, its an experience worth* doing.

For all you slackers back home, I barely managed to find the time to take this photo. I think it proves that I've been working my knuckles to the bone in this sweatshop operation. You dont know how easy you have it.

Stu's Saucy** Red Light Review

Due to popular demand by certain deviates I call friends, I have posted some information on the more sultry side of Singapore.
I have implemented a 'bone system' for giving my overall view each area - no, this does not mean I sampled all wares - its merely a guide people. Take this at face value and remember, all of this is hearsay and cannot be used against me in a court of law :)

Shopping Mall Massage Parlours
3 bones
There are some shopping centres which have massage parlours hidden behind the first row of shops. If you are 'velly hansom' and ask nicely its possible to get lucky in these places - for a fee. If you are an ugly bastard or just plain rude they'll throw you out. Nothing like getting a 'happy ending' in a jail-cell sized parlour with pink neon lighting and a girl that cant speak English - and people say romance is dead.

Tanjohng Pagar
1 bone
Here you'll find 4 blocks of nothing but neon-lit bars. Said bars have black tinting on the windows to hide just how sucky they are. Peeking inside you'll find mostly empty bar stools with a few locals and bad music/karoake being played at deafening levels. The one thing you'll notice is that there is a surprising number of women around for places that are such shitholes. Basically they sidle up to you and ask you to buy them drinks. After a few drinks, some might entertain the idea of going home with you (price negotiable) but others are confined to the bar for the night - content with extracting your hard earned coin. This is like a strip club where no-one strips. Next please.

Orchard Towers
4 bones
The 'four floors of whores' is the affectionate term given to the Orchard Towers complex. In the interest of science, I couldn't pass up an opportunity to check it out. Whilst a few locals were giving me directions, one exclaimed excitedly "it got its name cos its like, four levels.. with whores and stuff." Thankyou Captain Obvious. This place is a one-stop shop if you find yourself short on company. Variety is the spice of life and this place has it. Femmes from mixed backgrounds, with varying degrees of English skills, at all price ranges ($200SG-$800SG for the night). For the naive (or adventurous) just a heads-up: if your company lacks curves at the waist, shoulders appear broader than usual and has an adams apple, you may well have bought yourself a sausage at this meat market.

Gaylang
3 bones
Ahh Gaylang - mention this place to anyone and they'll know you're a dodgy bastard. This is considered the bargain basement of red-light districts. It consists probably 15 laneways, all sprinkled with one-hour hotel rooms and street walkers. The thing about red-light districts is they all happen to have some of the best local food available. I had a great beef noodle (no gay jokes please) before strolling down to take a gander. Around 9pm, the action hasnt really got going - there arent many women around at all. The punters are out in force though. The streets were packed with locals, mainly Indian, just loitering around. Standing on street corners, wandering around, sitting in gutters. All with the same hungry look in their eye. Just waiting. I went with a female friend so we had 100's of eyes on us - she awakened their appetite apparently. It was kind of scary, like one of those movies where you find out everyone else is already a zombie and you're the only human left. The alleys are suspiciously dark and your brain has a sign on it saying 'eat me'. Indian sex-starved zombies aside, if you're looking for an adventure this place could be for you.

*worth meaning only once, because its lame
**actual sauce is confined to people I like (ie not you)