My trip to the Nether Regions - #1

*dusts off ye olde blog*

Goedemorgen to you all. I know its been a long time since you looked me in the eye (sing it!) but the window to this soul is open for business again (in blog form anyways). As some of you may know, I've been assigned to work in Holland - land of cheese & mayo. Vincent Vega spoke the truth, the people here do drown their fries in that shit. The good news being that the strange combination actually tastes good - for now this Aussie has shelved the dead horse.

The flights here were like many pills - both good and bad. The first trip was fantastic and spacious. Lack of patrons meant that the lovely Malaysian flight staff attended to my every whim, although I only got strange looks when I requested foot massage. The second flight was one from a Nightmare on Elm street, with Freddy's claws digging into my back, the air conditioning failing for a few hours. Frustrated staff were too busy wiping the sweat (and dripping makeup) from their brows to peel my grapes. I swear I spotted gremlins on the wing, altho that may have been a heat-induced hallucination inspired by the Twilight Zone. Frankly, I was just glad to make it there alive.

Taking an old school train to the town of Utrecht, the countryside consisted mainly of Windmills and cows. Unfortunately, no Dutch village daughters complete in costume however. Upon arrival, I was swamped by people selling home loans, doing surveys and offering breast enhancements. The funny part was they all launched these tirades in flowing Dutch, with me nodding intermittedly. I'd then smile and put my hands in the air exclaiming 'I'm a tourist!' They would apologise and leave me alone. Dont know where something is? Apply puppy dog eyes and foreign accent and people help you. I have a feeling I'm going to use this tactic back in Melbourne (komplete with dochsgy Euro acksent yezzum).

The main thing you notice here is the transport, namely the bikes. *Everyone* rides a bike here. Bikes have right of way, their own lanes, and have massive parking bays. The sad fact is, due to the no-helmet law, I havent seen one StackHat. I figure if I can get my hands on some orange stack hats I could start a new trend. After all, the key to Euro fashion is a combination of retro and the colour orange - how can I go wrong?

A few of us visited the Parade, essentially a big festival with shows and attractions. The best of which, was ze Silent Disco - an open air dance floor, where everyone had their own set of wireless headphones. A DJ pumped tunes directly into our heads, and while we all danced with reckless abandon, onlookers sat bemused as we seemingly grooved in silence. You really had to be there to appreciate it, but it really was an awesome experience. 50 people bouncing in sync to House of Pains 'Jump' was definately the highlight.


I embarked on a culinary adventure while visiting one of the restaurants on the canal. In an attempt to be a classy frenchmen (now theres an oxymoron) I ordered some Garlic Escargot. My reaction has been captured below, but to sum up the experience in a word: slimychewy. I swear the key to "delicasies" is to smear them with so much external flavours, the original pest you were going to sample is well hidden. Damn the French to hell I say.